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Sometimes it all comes down [23 Jul 2006|06:10pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

So. Its been both a terrible and wonderful time. i went camping in cape cod with Kris after my family went to the berkshiers. We went to Howe Caverns as well, again with my family. Its been wonderful. On the flip side.. my Aunt dies while I was on the cape. I loved her so much, she did all she cold after grandma died to be there, and shes gone without my haveing spoken a word to her to say goodbye. I know I'll see her again, and I know she knows how much I love and miss her where she is.

It still hurts. It always does.

Ive decided to email my grandparents weekly now. It can happen to anyone, Ive seen it three times now. Always it manages to catch me by surprise, without a goodbye or even a solid memory of what I said last to them. Always before, I reacted with 'the rest are still here, I'll have time with them.' but it dosen't always work that way, does it? On top of that, my friend hurt herself. Not much, not badly, and she's getting help right now, her parents know.. but its enough for me, who knows what it is to need to do that. Again, i can only praise the God that brings good out of even this - though I wasnted to stay home and relax, I knew i couldn't let her be. that little nudge from nowhere, the still small voice, gave me the little push of compassion and mercy. I'll be going over there. And then, shes asked to come to church with me. I place it in his hands, with trust and gratitude. I always wanted to be a missionary, but didn't think i had the courage. Now, he lets me lead people around me closer to him despite that. I'm learning all over again how wonderful it is, to be a witness.

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

All right [20 Jun 2006|11:01pm]
[ mood | quiet ]

All right. I feel like I have to post this, after my last post. After all, I was tired, PMS'ed to hell, hurt, angry, and seriously considering firebombing Ginnys car if it would just make the situation go away. However. Since then, I have rested, read at least 2 Christian books (Screwtape Letters and Voyage of the Dawn Treader.) I have prayed, and most importantly, got in touch with Amy herself. And instead of blowing up at her again as I was first tempted to do, I waited, calmed down, and just asked her why. The talk wasn't a long one, but I felt better after it. She apologized quite nicely, and said she should have stoped Renko from saying such things. And I know, and have known, that her opinions about God, while not ones I care for, are her own and have there reasons.
Also... I'm guilty. Just as guilty as her if to a lesser degree, of going along with what my friends have to say. I hate argueing, and sometimes its easier to nod and smile, especially when you're tired, especially when things are rough. SO maybe she made a bad choice, Ive done the same. For every passasge I read about weak friends who act to hurt you even though they do love you as best they can, I found two more about erring on the side of trust, forgiveness, and remembering ones own sins before looking for others. We all have our sins and faults, me as much as she.

I leave others to decide what they want to do now. I won't stop people from being angry at her, or try to "side with her" She made a choice. I won't take the first post down, though if I can I may make it friends only so the rest of the damn world dosen't get in on this. But I wanted to post this, as promised... I'm sorry. I'm sorry you hurt me, I'm sorry you hurt Kit, I'm sorry this whole thing ever started... And I'm sorry about the way I reacted in that hurt. The end, lets be done with this.

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

hurt and ANGRY [19 Jun 2006|06:38pm]
[ mood | hurt, Angry. sad. Furious. ]

Amy, dear, next time you want to say crap about me and my friends, make sure you tell me to my face, ok? Copy paste is one of those damning weapons. Let's go over what exactly I'm talking about here.

Weiss Archer (9:34:33 AM): yes. she IS. scary, huh? aren't you glad she's not living with us?
RenkoLee (9:34:37 AM): YES
RenkoLee (9:35:04 AM): That's so FREAKY. I thought I was insane. But nothing tops crazy Christians.
Weiss Archer (9:35:10 AM): we were telling Ginny's mom about the way kit and her family behave, and her mom was like, "*lowers voice, leans in* I don't mean to be rude here, but that's NOT Christianity, that sounds more like a cult."
Weiss Archer (9:35:31 AM): i laughed.
RenkoLee (9:35:40 AM): I don't blame you, I'm laughing too
RenkoLee (9:35:44 AM): It's funny, but it's sad
RenkoLee (9:36:04 AM): And apparently from what I read in that conversation, Lia is just as batshit
Weiss Archer (9:37:41 AM): i can't wait till we move in together. Ginny and tichan are so awesome at making fun of stupid people, and two of the stupidest people i know are tia and kit. Tia: Used to be really good friends with Tichan, became involved with me, became stupid, Tichan hates her and ridicules her mercilessly. Kit: Used to be really good friends with Ginny, became involved with me, became CREEPY and stupid, Ginny doesn't hate her, but almost does, and ridicules her mercilessly. *rubs hands together with a sinister chuckle* This is gonna be fun.
RenkoLee (9:38:56 AM): And I just like making fun of everybody! This is going to be fun!
Weiss Archer (9:39:54 AM): I can't WAIT to move. It's like Mecca right now.

Good thing I have real friends who though I should know what you tell your friends about me, huh? Crazy Christians? Batshit? I'm sorry I have a faith. I never tried to force it on you, every time you TALKED to me, I tried to listen. Then you stopped talking, and that hurt, becuse I didn't know what to say to you. Then a few nights back, we did get in touch, and I was overjoyed. I wanted to go back to being friends with you... And you seemed to think it was a fine idea. We were planning to rp again, remember? Or were you just *tired* and saying whatever was easiest? Don't care that you're lying to one of us, me or Renko? Don't care that we were close enough to consider dating once, maybe? Happy without me? Next time tell me yourself so that I don't have to cope with the heartbreak and the rage of this little game of yours. If I'm batshit and crazy like renko says, then leave me be and don't badmouth me behind my back. I may be, I don't deny it. But if it bothers you, then leave it alone. If not, then stand up to your friend and tell her so. As things stand right now... I give up. At least I have REAL friends who don't pull this on me....

DId I lose my only?

had to pass this on [21 May 2006|12:11am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

You Know You're From Massachusetts When...

The person driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you are cursing him for going too slow.

When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke...not quinine water.

You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.

You almost feel disappointed when someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.

You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Haverhill, Barre and Cotuit.

You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in order to get beer.

You know that there are two Bulger brothers, and that they're both crooks.

You know what they sell at a packie.

You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.

You can actually find your way around Boston.

Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday.

You know what First Night is.

You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus.

You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day.

You have never been to Cheers.

When the words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.

You knew that there was no chance in hell that the Pats would move to Hartford.

You have gone to at least one party at UMass.

The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools.

You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat.

You think Doug Flutie is the greatest athlete ever.

You remember exactly where you were when the ball rolled through Buckner's legs.

You pray for the Red Sox to win the World Series not this season, but in your lifetime.

You know how to make a frappe.

You know that "Big Dig" is also a kind of ice cream you can get at Brigham's.

You actually know how to merge from 6 lanes of traffic down to one.

You never go to "Cape Cod", you go "down the Cape".

You think that Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs and Derek Jeter are more evil than Whitey Bulger.

You went to Old Sturbridge Village, Plymouth Plantation, or both, on field trip in grammar school.

You're aware that there is a town, somewhere in Massachusetts, named Brimfield where they have the biggest outdoor antique market in the world.

You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day.

You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line.

You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.

You know that Ludlow is 90% Portuguese and that Fall River is 90% Lebanese.

You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language.

You've called something "wicked pissa"

You have driven to either Rhode Island, New Hampshire or Vermont for a tattoo.

You see people like Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Dicky Barret (The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones), Tracy Bonham, Evan Dando (The Lemonheads) and Ric Ocasek (The Cars) in the local supermarket and it doesn't phase you.

You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater

Know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frank(ie)

Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS within eyeshot at all times.

You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on the floor of your car...year round

You still try to order curly fries from Burger King

You order iced coffee in January

You know what candlepin bowling is

You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax

You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.

You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop

You know what a "regular" coffee is

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts.

quite a few of these apply to me as well, but their all funny

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

Beat KH2 [25 Apr 2006|03:37pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

Kris and I beat KH2 over the weekend.. Hurrah for Riku and Sora alone on the beach~! Now I plan to borrow Chain of Memories and play that. Card based fighting... how fun. After Yu-Gi-Oh, i swore id never do that again. But it will give me more Axel... I'll start that over the summer.

Meanwhile, I have things to get done during this last week of class. Although, ive finished the labs in gym and all my ceramics glazing. THat leaves me with a project in CGD (staying at school on friday to work on that) a couple of paragraphs to write for gym, and that nutrition project which should be done for friday if my computer behaves. Wish me luck, all~!

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

AXEL [16 Apr 2006|07:32pm]
[ mood | WHY DIE AXEL WHY???? ]

If you don't know Axel, play Kingdom hearts II. Like Now.

ok. For the rest of you...

Axel just died. And I think he took a good part of my heart with him. Yes, i sobbed uncontrollably over a game. And now his is the only keyblade I'll use.

ah Axel. WHY DIE AXEL WHY? You could have at least waited to save Roxas, instead of Sora...

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

bored, mostly [08 Mar 2006|03:50pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Which is an improvment, considering the past week so far XD;; I'm SOOOO looking forward to vacation. Lucky tomorrows thursday already.
Anyway, after the incident, unsuprisingly, Chris lot a lot of friends, and was expelled. I'm pretty relieved about that. Unfortunatly, I didn't know it last week, so I spent it in a wreck of nerves and missed a few of one of my classes. And get waaay behind. I spent yesterday stressed as hell about that, but mom gave me permission to drop it, and I did. I'm feeling a bit better now, hopefully I'll have a nice relaxing Vacation and be ready to get everything together once the week is over

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

BAD DAY DDD: [28 Feb 2006|05:05pm]
[ mood | angry as hell and scared ]

Well, I was all excited about Mardi Gras Kareoke tonight. I got to school, Rent music firmly in my head (thanks so much, Luara dear XD;;;) and noticed Aly wasn't in class. She came in late, really really unhappy, and asked me to go to lunch with her (normally I eat in the classroom - to cheap to buy food :D) So I promised, and when the time came, off we went. She got a call from her bf two minutes after we walked in, so me and Laura started chatting while she talked. In storms Chris. DDD: After telling her twice to "Get off the Fucking phone, we need to talk" he backs her against the window, and slams her finger in the cell phone. I can see her crying, and me and Laura were just there, inbetween them somehow, the bravest thing Ive ever done for a friend. I never knew how tall Chris was until i was in his face screaming and swearing at the top of my lungs while Laura sheilded Aly with her body. I have to admit I shoved him back (THANK YOU,KEN-PO! THANK YOU TROY, LEN, And EVERYONE at that school!) Some other guy, (Ben? I didn't really see...) tried to calm Chris down, and got shoved to the floor, right in the caf. Frodo tried to help too. Dear little frodo, easily the smallest person there, and just as brave as any hobbit ever was. Thank God Chris didn't hit him, he was busy swearing he'd deck the next person who touched him D: End results: I got shoved into Laura, who can barely walk. (>.> I think I landed on her ankle, she swears she dosen't remeber how it happened. My wrist has a couple of scratches where my bracelet got squished into it. Aly's finger is in a splint, I'm still not sure what happened to Ben, I lost track of him getting Aly to Guidance, Campus security, and the nurse. The School is pressing charges of assualt on him, and everyones talking about a restrianing order. I think Chris will do counseling, he apparently told security he won't be back this week. Which is good, cause im not in furious bitchy DONT'T TOUCH MY FRIENDS mode anymore, and I'm scared.

Thata all for now <3 I have kareoke to do

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

quizness! (yes, i know im horrible about updating) [31 Jan 2006|10:48pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

my name:

Who is the love of my life:

Where did we meet:

Take a stab at my middle name:

How long have you known me:

When is the last time that we saw each other:

Do I smoke:

Do I drink:

When is my birthday:

What was your first impression of upon meeting me:

Do I have any siblings:

What's one of my favorite things to do:

Am I funny:

What's my favorite type of music:

What is the best feature about me:

Am I shy or outgoing:

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:

Do I have any special talents:

Would you consider me a friend/good friend:

Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what):

What is a memory we have once had:

Have you ever hugged me:

Do you miss me...do you think i miss you:

What is my favorite food:

Have you ever had a crush on me:

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:

What's your favorite memory of me:

Who do I like right now:

What is my worst habit:

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring?

Are we friends:

Will you repost this so I can do it for you?

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

random update [01 Dec 2005|02:19pm]
[ mood | give me sleep.... ]

Well. Random update, really. I finnally withdrew from Ecology, I was a bit worried about gettting a WF but she just gave me the W. Hurrah! Mom said she'll talk to dad about the Austrialia trip and Christmas. (Probably next Birthday too, but it'll be worth it if they can help pay for the ticket) Meanwhile, I'm not dating, things have worked out smoothly all around, and im quite a bit happier. If I can manage to do the CGD class project in the time left, I'm good. MOstly, I just want sleep at this point...Sleep and Vladimir, and Vadin, and Luca, Iris, and Vlad. I need to start rping again. *pokes HOly Orders*
oh, hot topics having a sale this weekend - ten bucks off all hoodies. Wonder if Kris will take me to the mall? *hint hint*

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

Silverblue... Rest in Peace my dear Sylvie [21 Nov 2005|12:24pm]
[ mood | contemplative + mostly content ]

Every now and then life just hits you hard. First off, I did lose my job, perhaps a week and a half after the last post. Mom, Linda, and even Dad told me that its perfectly normal to lose a first job, but it still felt pretty awful. The plan was at that point to get my license and find a new one right away, but we've tried getting in touch with my old instructor, with no luck D: Annoying, as I need only 2-3 more lessons from him, and Im free to get some extra tutoring and get my license...The upshot of all this is no liscense = no job, no job = no more money, and no income = no trip to Austrialia this summer. I'm praying about that, because I *really* want to go. But I need around $300 more for a one way, and between 700-1200$ more for round trip.
Meanwhile, Ive been sick off and on, and one of the times it was at its worst, Sylvie was killed. Hit by someone speeding. That hurts so much...she was a wonderful cat, a dear companion, and a beloved friend and sister. That cat was like my family...Rest in peace, my dearest Sylvie. Say hello to Myska and Kino for me, and Oliver...and when I get to heaven, may I find that you've pulled all the towels off the stove, slept in the guestroom, found places to play "death from above" from, and escaped outside to come and greet me.

Other than that, strangely, my life has improved. I chose a major finally, CGW (computer graphics for the web)and have since skipped every Ecology class and lab. Not smart, I know, but I dodn't need it any more and I couldn't stand it. It always hurts the worst when a class that you know *can* be fun and interesting is rendered boring and confusing at the same time. I'm enjoying the math more than it. *Me* apreeciating a math class. John and I seem to have parted ways... I don't think I'm ready to date, really. Which is fine, because the only people I'd want to at the moment haven't shown any thought of it at all. Maybe someday one or more of them will consider it, and by then I'll be more ready. I also won an Avon raffle, and have my very own shower gel, body lotion, and perfume. Mango. Wynn would approve. Dads also taken us out to three movies in the past week. :D

YOu know, something just came to mind. A friends mother who dissaproved of me several years back because I was "immature." At the time, I was many times more mature than most people my age, I think, and I was both offended and amused. Now, I think I know what she saw- a girl who, at age 15 or sixteen, was obsessed with fantasy worlds, who was introverted and looked to others for direction, who didn't wear makeup or nice cloths, who saw boys as friends and not dates. By those standards, I still am immature. But a lot of my past troubles seem to come from trying things I'm not ready for. Right now, moving at my own pace, I'm not collapsing under the weight of all the problems I can't control. So, in the end, I think it best to take my time. I know I'll bloom eventually.

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

bored D: [30 Oct 2005|12:53pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

Meh. Not much going on today and im bored. John is ready to start dating, and chooses now to tell me that he tends to try and move fast in a relationship. *sigh* It was going so well, to. A couple of months, maybe a year of what we've been doing, and there wouldn't be a problem...I just don't like the idea of dating somone ive only known a month or two, "no commitment" or not. Everyones congratulating me and saying we're a perfect couple, even the other girl who was interested in him seems to have found someone else, and they spent the entire night during Scary Kareoke crawling all over eachothers laps *sweatdrop*
...You know, Ive noticed that the only times guys like me, they want to get serious right away. I'd rather spend a year getting to know someone as a friend first... maybe i should stop looking for guys until I'm oh, say, 26? 27?
Scary kareoke was pretty fun, though. I got a lot of compliments on my costume, some of wich i even deserved. XD;; Its amazing what a pair of socks tucked into the right places can do. John complained that he couldn't dance fast, so I had to teah him how to 'bop.' How sad is that? This relationship is fast slipping to "good friends"...
Oh, and im really really mad at myself and worried too. I'm sure I haven't lost my job, but I was supposed to go in yesterday and didn't realize it DDDDDDD: So I didn't call or anything, and when I went in today Connie seemed mad about it. I'll have to call Jerry first thing Monday and apologize till my lips bleed. Mom and dad were mad too, though all dad said was "If youve lost your job, you get to have the interesting experience of begging for it back and never being late again." So I'm kicking myself over that. hard. I really hope mom gets my Celexa back, this generic just isn't helping at all. Its sort of like moving in a cloud, things seem ok but are just a little greyer and more blah then usual. And I can't shake my worries off.

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

evil plans [19 Oct 2005|12:16pm]
[ mood | sleepy but cheerful ]

I have evil plans for this summer XD they involve running away across the world and hiding out in Australia with my freinds there. After all, they've threatened to kidnap me, I'm sure I can work out a few weeks to visit them. I wonder if she was serious about the nightlife thing. XDD Time to get something that goes with the top I got at Hot Topic the other day... maybe I'll wear it Saturday when Kristen wears her Whumpscut shirt, we *both* ca horrify her mom, speaking of. Its just, I really awnt to take a trip, and I *don't* want to run into the guy that says he might try to visit me this summer. I'm most comfortable keeping friendly relationships online at this point.
And there are always TimTams to consider. <3
Jhon wants to know if we can go together. I'm not so sure... NOt that I wouldn't like to take a trip with him, and Reynardo would be a good chaperone, but making them board a stranger seems like a little much. So does making him stay elsewhere. Then again, I'm not sure I like the idea of traveling alone...
Meh. Whatever. With or without him, I plan on running Down Under this summer!

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

well that was embarrasing [14 Oct 2005|01:17pm]
[ mood | embarrassed ]

I'm not supposed to be at work till three D:
Oh well, I can post what I want about Terion now...
Terion Mikhail
Age: 21 Ht: 5'6 Wht: 142
Eye color: One silver, one black Hair color: blue/silver
Other: dominant nehphil blood, he basically is a throwback to when nephil bred with humans..if only he could understand what that means. Its only in his blood though, his body is human and therefore he cannot control his abilities...if he did it would probably destroy his "human" body. He desperatly wants to know more about his powers and his kind, though he dosen't let it bother him all that much...Terion tends to be more interested in having a good time and getting ahead of the game, and perhaps because he knows he has some power humans don't, is manipulative and tends to see humans as something to entertain himself with. NOt that he isn't nice about it(most of the time), its just that he dosen't always see himself on a level playing feild. he has his parents and a younger sister Allyisum, and the day he left college, he left his home behind and hasn't been in touch. His mother is in frail health, as both pregnacies were hard.
Terion has a hard personality to read, at times refined and cultured, and at others cheerful, casual, with a kind of "I dare you" mischeif to him. He enjoys staying in control.

DId I lose my only?

on my phsychology class today and Terion [14 Oct 2005|12:15pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Psych was interesting today, and not just because I spent I spent half of it working on my newest rp chr for Kris's world, Terion. We learned about the effects of different parenting styles on the growth of individuals, and what is generally healthiest for the child. There are three types of parents, those who enforce their athourity, those who are permissive, and those who balence rules with consideration and explanations. They use different methods to correct behavior, The "I message" and the "You message." My family has always used more of the I message, this is how what you did does to me kind of thing. Whereas my two best friends families are always using the you message, characterized by "this is what you did, you were wrong" and threatens punishment, accuses of wrongdoing, lectures, and critisizes. It made me wonder about these friends families, and how much it shapes them. <3 Its really cool to think about. At the risk of offending people, im going to write down some thoughts.... Don't get mad, please! I'm doing it to myself too. My parents are under observation this week >.> kehehehe. Anyway, kris's parents are the ultimate permissive parents, who often seem to rely on critisim. I love Kristens mom, but I wouldn't last a month as her daughter. I suspect this is why Kris likes other people to choose for her, but also insists on it being the "right" choice. This is probably also why I always run semes with her - she likes having the guidance. n.n Jessie meanwhile, has athoritative parents,(though they seem more permissive with Mike, maybe thats cause they don't know the shit he pulls till later?) who again, use a lot of the "you need to improve" type stuff. They do use the "This it how it makes me feel" as well, but not enough to balence. That kind of thing apparently leads to shyer, dependant children who feel the need to do things on their own. Thus, california, Nekocon, ect. Jessie has a great deal of independance, but is used to falling back on their supreme athourity...I'm not sure where my parents fall. Thats why im going to be watching them. I know I'm very dependant and isolated, submissive by nature but still insane and hyper when I'm comfortable with people. I think I'm feral. XD Again, I don't want to offend people, and I love all my friends parents, mostly. >.> I don't think Terry cares for me much though... immature hah. I just am as dad would say prone to pathos.

Looks like I have to get ready for work now... I was going to post terions data nd possibly my other characters as well, but no time for that. later....

DId I lose my only?

follow up [07 Oct 2005|12:33pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

This must be a record. two posted days in a row! *gasps* I shocked, and my friends may well *die* of shock as well! I *never* stay that together. Its why I haven't tried posting a webcomic. It would update less often than Avalon and Cursed Moons combined, and any fans I'd get would become frustrated and come for my blood with a spork! that and I can't draw action panels at all, or do cloths designs.. I was born to be a muse. I make other people draw and write better XD;; yeah.... moving on

I was quite nervous at school today, I had no clue how to tell John what I felt I needed too. Having an lj to get out my first feelings, and a couple of people to comfort, to advise, and to admit that they wouldn't know what to do either but would back me up nonetheless REALLY helped me <3 So often I tell people to leave me alone when I really want them to figure out how much pain I'm in so that they'll come hug me. Dad was like that last night, at first when he thought it was *him* I was slamming at and being harsh to he was mad, but mom must have told him because he came and gave me Sylvie and was nice all evening. Mom cuddled and made me a nice dinner. Well, it was lamb, which I don't care for as much as I used to, but the fact that she made it shows how much she was trying. She mashed me potatoes too, and i LOVE mommymashies. Jessie came through with her hugs and sympathy despite all her guy trouble, its so nice always being able to count on her like that. When I feel like I'm worth shit, she dosen't use logic, like I would, she huggles and tells me im not and gets all warm and fuzzy feeling. And Kris is just the best. I told her more about this than anyone else, I think, even though part of me knew how jealous she might get. But because I *had* to tell someone before I exploded, and she was there, she caught it the worst. And was one of the most helpful despite the jaelousy that she admitted. She didn't know what to do or say, I think it wories her when I fall apart and want her to fix it. XD;; but she's magic. As long as she tries to be understanding, she can normally help me talk about things until I sort them out in my head. I'm not alone with being worried, she reminded me, she would probably have felt the same. Thanks everyone who helped me last night. Once the REAL Celexa comes in instead of the crappy generic that do not work for me AT ALL comes back in, there will be less of this, I hope. I'll be one with the wind once again!

About John, that went well. He found me first, and told me that with all the crap in his life right now with the girl who found his myspace thing after all this time, he wasn't ready to "date" formally, but he was still interested, and still wanted to get to know me. Thats really what I wanted too, maybe a year to get to know him as a friend first. So alls well that ends well. XD hurrah!

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

I suck at life [06 Oct 2005|05:14pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

*sigh* I really do, don't I? Go figure, I'm so fucked in the head....Here's the thing. I like John a lot. Enough that I was really, really happy when he would talk to me. Mom seemed to like him too. So today, when he admits that he likes me as well, I'm all thrilled. I felt like maybe, MAYBE I could get to be more than just friends with someone, for once. Like maybe i was good enough that I could attract attention. And still all happy, I let him kiss me. He was having a really bad day, and it seemed like it would be nice. And I know he dosen't beleive in premarital sex, so there shouldn't be any pressure... except there is, somehow. Im tense and worried and a bit unhappy and I don't know why. He's gentle and has a sense of humor like mine, and best of all, he ISEN'T the guy Kris was in tears over, after I was afraid it was. He's christian, and a wonderful man. So why do I suddenly want to run away, tell him to back the hell away? He hasn't *done* anything, except buy me a meal, and the couple of kisses. What is so wrong with me, when i like him and he likes me? I need to talk this out, with someone, anyone, yet suddenly, i trust almost no one.

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

on the subject of leeches [21 Sep 2005|12:25pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

I never seem to update this thing often enough as it is, but between school and work i just don't have TIME anymore. I have no social life anymore besides school, which I'm learning comes with its own problems... >.< leeches. Oh, there are nice people there, Laura, and Aly (who is in my math class again, thank God) Courtney who is weird and spastic but friendly enough if you don't mind the thigs she sometimes says... Nick, and Chris (he finaly remembered my name! give the boy a cookie.) Lucas and all the others in that group of people, sort of like a network of people through the whole school who are at least friendly faces. Just don't get Chris started on Aly. He claims to love her still, but that dosen't stop him from talking about all the ways shes taken advantage of him. He says Aly acts like she wants to be more than just friends when they're together and is unfaithful and says terrible things about him only when others are there and he isn't, but I've seen him and Aly together when they weren't talking to anyone else and with others around, and thats how she acts with *every* guy. Chris will look for any reason to cling to his dream of being Alys true love, a dream she never had... he even won't date other girls because "he still loves Aly and he dosen't want to break their hearts") Anyway, thats all off topic. Or maybe its not, for as Chris is to Aly, Joe is in some ways to me. He actually told people he was my boyfriend before asking me about it! and he had they day before been looking longinly at Laura, and the night before asking some other girl to go out with him...and he was talking as if he were proud of threatening some kid, getting drunk and being hungover, and all that. He says hed rather do that shit than ever be unkind to a girl, to which I say, *this* girl thinks that drinking and threatening to hurt people, punching parking meters, ect, does not make you a better person. If you have to work that hard not to hit somone you say you love or respect, your're not for me. Or for anyone. Meanwhile, hes trying to walk me to class, take me to lunch, and get me to skip work and fake sick to go bowling with him in the evening. My plan is to ask him if he has been saved, hand him a religious pamphlet, and tell him that he has a chance to repent if that dosen't make him run far enough fast enough. Its sad but true, that seems to be a surefire way of scaring people off.

A kingdom left behind | DId I lose my only?

oh yeah... [25 Aug 2005|01:52pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

*sigh* since its been a while I should update. I thought Id make a separate entry for it sice i went on and on in my rant, which took up the last hour or so. Lets see... I went on vacation in the berkshires all last week. Pretty fun, but no internet up there. I was glad to get home. Picked up some "romance novels" which weren't worth much. Absolutly no action in the second, not really worth the time. Though the first made me laugh, because i saw the word Velvet in it.... as the name of a horse. *This* writer at had a thesaurus. Right Kris?
Lets see, in other new, I have a job now. its pretty good, I'm helping out at Lannies. Morning shift on Saturday to look forward too. Dad took me out to celebrate and we had dinner at the Outback. College is all set, and mom says that when she opens a new account so that becky cant steal any more (see the rant below) she'll get me one too. Maybe this means she'll FINALLY get me a cellphone too. Lord only knows i need one. Oh, and my friend in Austraila is coming over in a few weeks. Shes bringing over a suitcase full of TimTams and some pics of a twenty year old hottie who she says wants to hear from me. I think he's her son who she adopted out, but ive already seen some pics and he is cute. XD I wouldn't mind hooking up with someone like that, since he has genes in common with Gillian. Shes a real sweetie and I love her sense of humor. Dads happy too. he says it would be a perfect guy for me... a couple continents away where I can't get into trouble. *sigh* maybe ill use Gillians suitcase and smuggle myself over there. Id have to eat the timtams first of course.... what a pity. I LOVE timtams

DId I lose my only?

>.< fucking mad [25 Aug 2005|01:18pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

Its been a while since i updated. I knew id be bad at keeping up... oh well. I just need to rant today, and no ones on AIM. So here goes
Almost all my friends know about Becky. I never liked Becky, I hate beckys mom, and she always pissed me off even when nothing was up. I never trusted her. Im not sure my mom did either, but she was a good respite worker with my little special needs brother and she needed the money. I always felt guilty about not likeing her, she was great with the squirt and always had something nice to say about me. She needed money help, and we gave it to her sometimes, and to me it always felt like she took advantage of our wanting to help out. I never said anything though. I mean, we should help those who need it, and her life was rough. I didn't know the fucking half of how she used us. First the change bank, which had money in it for once, vanished, then the emergency money in the china cabnet. Becky would always come in like she owned the place and head right over to where mom left her pay. I didn't like that. THen it turns out she stole a buch of checks from us and forged moms sig to get them cashed. We had to close the account. The bitch took advantage of our generosity and trust, and then robbed us of thousands AFTER we had already given her help! ARGH! Im SO PISSED OFF at the bitch! We even took in her cat for her. Landros a tub and fights with Zazu all the time. I love Landro but right now Im just pissed at anything to do with becky. What is it with Daniels workers anyway?! the last one was criminally irresponsible, made a scene in a restaurant, and got aresstedwhile he was out with Daniel. Erin was awesome and I loved her, but Daniel got violent and scared her off. u.u I can't wait to see hows he's like if Becky isn't around to take him to his car shows and hang out with him. He'll bitch about it forever. The bitch probably knows it too, he always behaves for her. She may well be counting on that figuring we'll have to keep her on to keep him from getting restless. Well if I have anything to say about it the bitch won't be back. I don't like her, and I'm not going to let her fucking steal from us again. Daniel can go WITH her if he likes her so much. She took him to the prom at her school. Her son is older than me, and she took my little brother out as her quote on quote "date" Never again bitch, never again. Now I know I was right, and what makes me so mad was the guilt i put myself through for not trusting her when she was a theif all along. All that time i was beating myself up for being unchristian and predjiduced, and now she goes and proves me right. I wanted to be wrong so badly. She was pretty dumb with the whole thing too. it took less than a day to trace the checks. I'm so mad. And so tired of the whole thing. I feel a little less.. something now. I've lost a little more faith in humanity. I'm a bit less trusting, a bit more cynical. More dissillusioned. She stole more than money, in a way. I used to be such a sweet innocent little kid. thats changed over the years, it happens to all of us I suppose. She hurt that in me.
Fuck. Humanity is such a mess. I'm done ranting now.

DId I lose my only?

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